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Entry #8 - Spiritualism

7/21/25

If you told me, 6 months, a year ago, that I now would be a deeply spiritual creature, I would not believe you.

I have historically hated spiritualism. I still kind of do, the organized stuff, anyway. At best I tolerated it. At worst I had outright scorn for that which decided so many of the nonsensical written rules of our world. If you told me then, that I would believe outside of the this. That I would believe in magic. I would be unsettled.

But now, much is different. I am aware I am a dragon. I am aware of the existence of magic, for it must exist in order for me to. I am deeply spiritual. Asking the questions of the soul rather than the mind. Hell, believing in the soul is new for me. I did not think it truly existed. Now, I must. For it does. Of course it does.

Therianthropy is incredibly interesting. It can be many things to the creatures for whom it describes. For me, it is decidedly a belief system. Tools to understand myself and others. To connect with myself and others. To reach paws out in the dark and feel. To understand all that which must be true in order for all of us to be.

This is the unique thing, I think, about this. It is founded on love, rather than fear. Of course, much organized religion positions itself as foundationally about love. If this were true, why would the stick be there along with the carrot? Love is not about punishment. Love is acceptance. Therianthropic spiritualism is unique for those who believe it. None of us share exactly the same beliefs. But we accept this. We accept each other's. There is room for much belief. Even seemingly conflicting belief. Everything is strange, we are strange. Who's to say it is not everything at once?

I have spent time, and learned of times that those I cared about were touched deeply. Quiet moments. Strange objects of power unseen. Items blessed by Luna. I have yet to see, have yet to feel, except in these quiet moments to myself. I will, however. I do. My wings. My tail. My ears. They are there. I feel them. It is deeply spiritual.

Of course, of course.

Of course it was love that won me over, finally.

Of course.

Entry #7 - Anew

7/19/25

As I write this, I'm staring out the window of a vehicle driven by my best friend, with some of my closest friends in the other seats. We're coming home from a convention, Eufuria in specific. Three of what will likely end up being the best days of my life, underscored by folks I adore and highlighted by a community I suddenly feel a part of. The girl in front of me is singing. It is wonderful.

I've always struggled with community. I'm really bad at understanding it. I worry about being told that I am "doing it wrong". Probably from all the "you're doing it wrong!" in the younger queer and furry communities. I've also had issue with group size. Big groups give me anxiety, many folks at a time, hard to deem when you know someone.

As a result, historically, I have found myself often leaving myself out of larger spaces. Preferring the company of a few, of whom I would often be anxious about expressing myself to. This sucks hard.

Now, I find myself on a precipise. The experiences I've had have left one fundamental afterimage in my mind. That is that this is my place. That I can be this, and I can do this. Much has shifted inside me, reorienting things around new core pieces of myself. That being, my identity as a furry.

It is strange to say that "I did not get it", as someone who has been participating in furry circles for as long as I have. However, I indeed did not get it. As previously stated, it was a tool for expression in small group. This is fine! This of course is fine. Now, I understand it is more. Lots of folks who are at least in some shades, just like me. Enjoying the same things I do, excited about the same things I am. It is a tool to connect. Something that my autistic ass could absolutely use.

This is wonderful. This is a revelation. I feel like I am home. Hello everyone. I'm Hexaaelia, and I'm here to stay.

Entry #6 - Change

5/25/25-6/21/25

I've never been good at change.

In all likelihood stemmed from a combination autism, self-doubt and history. Change tends to place me in a worse position than before. Losing things, friends, pieces of myself, whole selves. Often when change is for the better, it is still accompanied by tremendous pain. Having the wonderful friends I have now is a fantastic change, and losing the things previously holding me back was a victory, but it came alongside months of injury and soul-sucking madness as I retread those first few steps of relationships. I hate retracing my steps, socially. Ironic, considering I love Metroidvanias. Being placed right back into that awful part of meeting folks where they do not truly know you, and each individual thing you might say could be taken entirely differently than you intended. I digress.

However, life is not defined by its aversion to change. Both the lives we lead as creatures, and life itself, are constantly in flux. We are defined in opposition, and association to entropy. Yet much like a mortal enemy in a noble hero, we reflect it in our very existence. Change is entropic. It is also deeply nonentropic.

As I write this, I stand on the foothills of a very large change for myself. A relaunch of who I am, a redefinition of the symbols I fly, an audit of everything that defines me down to the species I am. It's hard not to feel fear as I look at where I wish to be. But fighting this is impossible, you must move with the times or the times will move you. Instead I must embrace it, enjoy the journey to the summit, and remember those who perished on the climb.

I wrote in my previous blog post more than six months ago about how it might be my last. I am lucky much has changed in the meantime. I am lucky things will continue to change, so that I will always have something to write about.

Welcome to the new site. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed making it.

 - Hex

Entry #5 - Shell Shock & Silicon

12/20/24

Hello to the .001 micron of a person who has some interest in this site still after I've failed to update it for... very long

Of course, I do have an excuse being its the holidays and there's a lot of stress going around. I can also say I've been less motivated to both work on the sort of things I like putting here and also work on things at all. Shell shock is a bitch, huh? Regardless a lot of what I'm working on right now isn't ready to show or isn't the type of thing that I should share.

The community I've been working on has (soft)launched! There's about 15 people in the community right now. My goal is to get it to 30 before I begin doing large-scale events and stuff like that.

This is usually the music paragraph.... I haven't done anything with music between now and when I last posted a blog. Man. I'm planning on that being my 'main thing' when the whole events at home start. I should? be able to push something out somewhat quickly as it's really far along the pipeline, I just got unmotivated when I couldn't do exactly the thing that I wanted to (ADHD, am I right). More updates to come. I'm also considering putting the demos I've written for it up here, if I do they'll go in a hidden demos page under music that you'll find in this blog post. It doesn't exist right now though.

I've been working on an update to my modpack in Minecraft. I originally made it for 1.16 and have been rebuilding it. It's supposed to be a Vanilla+/Vanilla Extended style modpack. Might post it here at some point with proper attribution to the authors of the mods. It has however made me realize that I'd like to make a minecraft style voxelized sandbox game. I think Minecraft has really gone down in terms of quality since the Microsoft aquisition and I want to make something that replicates the sort of feeling I feel from Beta and Better Than Adventure.

Silicon has been the other main thing I've been working on I finally have Unreal Engine's Team-Based perception system working (you would not believe how much work it was to get it working. Months! Literal months! Absurdity!!). With that the game has a huge leg up as now I just have to build the actual behavior trees for the enemies, then I can start on polishing up the player character for a prototype release. I'll eventually post new content on its page, as well as maybe doing a stream or something about development? I'll link that if I ever end up doing that

I guess thats it. I'm not sure where I'll be in like, 3 months from now but it's at least been fun updating this page. I hope I keep doing it, but if this is the last post I ever make, I'm sorry.

Take care of yourselves.

 - Hex

Entry #4 - Build A Community

12/2/24

CW: Mention of Suicide

Welcome back to my amazing, lovely audience! (0.5 people)

Sorry it's been a while half-a-person who i will now name... Alex... You know how it is with this part of the year. I'll try to keep this updated, but unfortunately finding the time to do the stuff people (I hope) care about will likely prove to be difficult.

Something I've been focusing on a lot recently is putting together a tool to build local community within my area. I would suggest all of you do this, especially if you're a social minority. Maintaining a tight community in your area you can turn to in case things go sour will likely be important in these next few years. Keep yourselves safe. That has been eating up a lot of my time, and I'm not sure how much I want to share here, since it is local, but I'll definitely at least mention how it's been going and give tips if you yourself are trying to build one. My big one right now is find an artist. A visual artist. Having someone there to be able to make art assets is paramount to get people interested and looking at your server.

It's been a while since I've worked on that track I wanted to get out. I left the computer I produce on at home to visit family, and now we are snowed in here until it's safe enough to go back home. So I haven't worked on music even close to as much as I'd like. I'll also likely have to rebuild my workflow as I will probably give the Macbook I currently produce on (a mistake, I know) to a friend in need of a computer, and re-build my workflow on a windows partition of either my desktop or laptop (both of which currently run Debian). It'll be a process but I'll update here as it goes.

I found an old Akai LPK 25 at my girlfriend's house that belonged to her, and she told me I can take it. I was looking for something like an LPK to compliment the form factor of the SEQTRAK, so I'm quite happy, even though the keys are pretty weird.

I've also been trying to write something I started about a year ago. It started as a 'friend-fic', putting ex-friends of mine into a story that kind of fictionalized and metaphored the situation in which we were at that point in time. I still care about the story I was planning on writing there, so I'm reformatting it as simply a fiction story. It's hard to write though, because thinking about it makes me think about them, and when I think about them, well it makes me want cigarettes and a pistol. I'll eventually post a prototype of it over on the writing page. If I can make it through.

I've also been devoting a lot more time to building Silicon. The level is coming together really well and with it I've started building out AI subsystems and the like. I would really like to have a prototype of the gameplay on the table before the year ends, but I doubt that will be possible because the aforementioned community is the thing of the most urgency right now.

I'm also thinking about taking part in a Game Jam again, I miss doing those and I'd really like to just spend some time building a game and just having that be that after, say, 7 days or maybe 2 weeks? Gives me an excuse to focus on one thing, but I can't do that really before I've got the community rolling.

Well, what else? That it? I'm watching snow fall and listening to the Snowman Theme from Earthbound, a little tradition of mine when the first snow comes (though, the past few years there's been so little snow that I haven't been able to do it). It's nice. I suggest it. Especially with a cup of something warm, be it cocoa, coffee, tea, or hot Dr. Pepper.

Hope you're all staying warm, or cool for those in the southern hemisphere. Thanks for reading!

  - Hex

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