5_reexamine

2/20/26

I realize that I've been handed a lot. A lot that I didnt decide upon, a lot decided for me by others, and a lot decided for me by versions of me that don't truly exist anymore.

I look at myself in the mirror

I look at myself in the mirror

Do I like this? Of course there's problems, the inherent incorrect shape of one who despite everything lays claim to a human form, but looking past all of that...

This whole gender thing, is this right?

Ive been doing this thing for so much longer than anyone else I know. I'm the oldest trans person Im friends with. So much has happened in the between those first pills and now. I've been just following in the footsteps of all those who came before me, who took this body before. Its easy to forget that I'm different, I don't have to continue their work. I'm allowed to question it.

Do I want this?

Do I want to look like this, to be shaped like this? To have all of this which has followed me, all that others who share form but not substance have created for me? And why, even if it is something I want, do i feel like a ghost carrying out orders given to me millenia ago?

How can I even know? I barely remember how I felt before. Clouded by years of trauma, repression, pain, and plain ol' adhd forgetfulness. How would I even know if I'd be happy as something different?

What if im non-binary?

What if im just a dude?

what if im...

anything

but what i claim to be?

i struggle often with believing myself, with feeling like how I feel is true, and often even asking myself how I feel is a struggle.

something within me was disconnected or shut off long ago, and it takes effort to find it again, to turn it back on and to examine what it's trying to tell me

its almost like ive already detransitioned, those emotions you get back, they're gone again and i'm unsure if theres a way to even get them back at this point.

how can i be sure of anything

how can i be sure that i am what i claim to be?

...

But I

I...

I Think of

All that I have done

And all that I have shared

I think of the bonds I've created and I think about the places I've been. I think about what I've been given. The shape of everything between me and myself. I look into the mirror and I smile, I see it so often now.

I want this. I want to be this. I wanna continue doing this. This is me. I want this. I want this! I want to continue unfolding all that I am and could be, I want to continue to know and to feel. I want to be this. I want to be a girl.

I want to be a girl, says the girl. The Girl. Not the ghost of habit haunting a broken body, not the irreconcilable emptiness of all that I should and could be.

Says Hexaaelia.

This is me.

5_reexamine
4_dearfriend
3_this
2_her
1_voices
0_horrible